Okay!

Time for a real blog post after a loong time...
I have lost 20 pounds. Maybe more now, I think, but I can't find out since my mom hid the scale. But I'm lying through my teeth every day when anyone asks me if I ate my lunch at school or if I threw up. Still though, every day when I get home, I binge. I can't stop fucking binging! I'm just so fucking hungry and bored all the time, then when I'm finished eating, I feel like I've gained all 20 pounds back, and my thighs just look so HUGE.
I fucking hate this eating disorder. There's no way out. I don't want to quit. Either that or I just can't. Unless I go back to the clinic. But I CAN'T. I HAVE to stay in school this year; it's my senior year & I have to take the SAT & drivers ed... I can't miss another school year stuck in hospitals if I want to go to college next fall. But what's more important? My health, or my education and future career? I choose the second option. Though part of me feels like I know it's wrong. I don't know, I don't FUCKING KNOW what is more important, what I should do. But the only way I'm going back to the clinic is if I get so sick they just force me to go back. Luckily, though, I'm not sick...yet at least. I feel fine. Which is just strange, considering how underweight I am. 30 pounds.
& I wish I could stop just fucking focusing on all this shit. There IS more to life than my weight and how I look. So then why do I just keep ignoring that? I don't know, it's just easier, I guess. Can't leave my comfort zone. FUCK ME.
If there's one thing I've finally gotten through my thick skull though, is that the only people you can ever count on in your life is your family. Lately I've come to see that, and realized how lucky and special I am to have such a large, close-knit family that loves me unconditionally. I hope I will never hurt them again with another suicide attempt...Yesterday I attended the funeral of one of my distant uncles who killed himself. He has left behind a loving mother and 2 sons, my cousins. My aunt, I don't know how she's going to make it through this. I am sincerely worried about her.
I just can't fathom that this could have been me instead of him that died, 6 times, when I attempted. I don't know how my family would have reacted, really. It causes so much pain. I cried so much at the funeral I almost threw up, and afterward I pretty much passed out from emotional exhaustion. Suicide and depression are truly the most evil things in the world today, causing people so much misery and grief, when they can't fathom how much a loved one really thinks they're so worthless, that the world doesn't need them. Cuz they are wrong. You are needed, important, loved, beautiful, you are worth so much and don't let Depression tell you otherwise; it is pure Poison, like a demon. Fight it as hard as you can and NEVER give up. I feel as if I am in such a better place now considering my depression than I have ever been. You just have to keep going on no matter how hard it is. Yes, even if the only thing keeping you alive are mental hospitals....