This weekend was great; I spent it with my girlfriend. She makes me feel so happy and loved. It seems as if I have everything going for me, now. I have an outstanding family, a loving girlfriend, and I'm in a community college...
I have goals that I want to achieve. I want to start driving. I want to get certified so I can work with adolescents in the behavioral health hospital. I want to become independent and responsible. I want to spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend.
I'm not sure however if I want to recover from my eating disorder.
That doesn't mean I'm saying, "Oh, let's stop eating again!" or "Oh, let's start purging everything!"
No, I can't do that, because it would keep me from my goals. Everyone knows what happens when you relapse.
I have to stay healthy if I want to move on with my life.
Especially if I want to move out of this fucking house! If I, or my sister, doesn't move out sometime soon I am going to go crazy.
I'm so sick of all her shit. I admit, a lot of it is my fault because of my past actions. I know a lot of what I did came off as self centered and attention seeking. But that doesn't mean all those times I self harmed and attempted suicide meant I wanted to get attention and put my family through hell.
Hell, it is so obvious I didn't even CARE back then! I didn't give a shit how I affected those around me, and I didn't give a shit what people thought. I just wanted to stop hurting, and I did what I thought I had to do to achieve that. Meaning yes, I did put myself in the hospital to escape the real world. I know I was immature and not ready to deal with real life, so I tried to get away every time I felt things got too much and built up. I just let EVERYTHING fucking build up until I found myself cutting, poisoning myself, or overdosing.
Still, it pisses me off when people get the wrong impression, thinking that I only did all of that because I wanted the spot light on me. That was the absolute last thing I wanted. I constantly wanted to disappear because I was so embarrassed and ashamed by myself.
And I still am! I hate what I've made myself become over the past five years. I hate how people view me as, now.
Okay, I'll admit, I mostly mean "people" as in my sister. I know exactly how she feels about me, now. And it fucking hurts. I know I don't deserve to be loved because I've been such an ass hole my whole life. But no matter what you've done, you don't want to be HATED. No one wants that.
Not even when I told myself over and over that I wished my family hated me. I only said that (and still do) because then it would be so much easier to kill myself without feeling so much guilt.
But no, I don't want to be hated. I am human and I want to be loved. I have my weak moments where I just want to be assured that I am a good person and that I am worth loving.
It's time to get over her, though. Truthfully, she is the one and ONLY toxic person in my life. Therefor, meaning, she doesn't matter at all. I know everything she says about me is false. The rest of my entire family loves me unconditionally and never talks shit to me. I know that they care about me and my well being. They want me to recover, not only from my eating disorder, but from my self harm, depression, and anxiety. They only want the best for me.
I want to get better for everyone who loves me. I don't want to hurt them anymore.
I should be recovering for myself; I should love MYSELF but I don't. I don't see why I should. When I see myself in the mirror I want to cry because my arms look like logs. My stomach pokes out like I'm pregnant. My thighs and butt are huge. Everyone says I'm still skinny. But I'm not. Not compared to how I looked when I was "sick." I want my old body back.
But, obviously, I don't hate myself only for my BODY. That is just my cop-out.
I guess the real reason I hate myself is because I am so socially awkward and have a hard time dealing with things. I snap at the people I love and take them for granted. I get irritated too easily. I treat everyone like shit, putting my own wants before others'. I act so selfish sometimes. Yet I keep making the same mistakes over and over.
I am afraid that everyone will leave me and stop loving me because of how I act. I don't understand why ANYONE puts up with me. I can't stand myself, and never have.
I just want to be able to act normal. I don't want to be afraid that anything I do makes me look "stupid." I don't want to make my loved ones feel like I don't care about them. I don't want to fail my classes. I don't want to get depressed again and want to die. I don't want to get back to that low point where I cut and purge on a daily basis. I don't want to hurt anyone, anymore. I don't want to stop caring about everything like I did in the past.
I GUESS I want to be successful...yet I'm not ready to give up my crutch of mental disorders. It scares me on a daily basis when I become aware of how long I have gone without relapsing or trying to kill myself (even the half-assed attempts). The more time that passes from my old life and self makes me feel panicked. I'm not ready to let go. For so long I found my identity as the skinny girl who was addicted to self-harming. Now, I don't know who I really am. I act different depending on who I'm with. My mood changes often; one moment I feel hopeful and happy, another moment the suicidal thoughts are back. I can go from loving someone to becoming so angry I want to hurt them or run away. I can feel motivated, like I can do anything I set my mind on, then so hopeless and incapable. At the end of the day, I still wonder if I'm better off dead.
And no matter how good a day can go, no matter who I've spent it with, this never changes. I'm tired of it. I don't know how to make the thoughts go away.
Well, that's enough rambling for one night.
Hopefully I will remember (and feel like) writing here daily and keep my thoughts in order. Typing this has actually felt almost freeing; I got out some stuff that I had a hard time putting words to.
Anyway, that's enough. Goodbye for now. :)
