Friday, July 22, 2011
So
Totally UNmotivated to type up my stupid diary entries or to write any new ones. I'm gonna fucking cut tonight. As deep as possible. My guy friend made me feel like a fucking stupid worthless bitch. Called me a cuntbag. Okay. O fucking kay. I hope i fucking pass out. Gonna cut with something real blunt, but that just means it will hurt even more <3
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Taken From Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I did a lot of reading today. My book called Revolution. I forget by who. Let's see, & i didn't do much of anything today, just ate, & waited in melanie's office while she worked. I am getting SO FAT here. Oh well...
& you know what, i hate becca's boyfriend. He is such a complete asshole towards her. She deserves much better. I told her that but she said she doesn't care, she still wants him even though he's an asshole. Ugh. I mean sure, he has issues of his own, but ugh, he is so like NOT a ray of sunshine. He just makes my best friend feel like shit all the time. I want to punch him... & i want karl to text me back. He hasn't since maybe 4:30 today? I dunno. He probably had to work or something, or fell asleep. He's always saying how tired he is...
Amber said she got my letter today, & she'll send me one here at melanie's. I said okay...
I told becca i'd give her melanie's address so she could send me my super late birthday card over here. But i don't know melanie's address & i'd feel weird asking her for it. She might not want me to give it to becca cuz she doesn't know her or whatever. Oh, well.
Ugh. Why can't he just text me back... I miss talking to karl. When we first started texting he was like, always there. I wonder what changed. Whatever. I'm so sick of feeling so fat. But i do. I can't help it. I hate when my legs touch. It feels disgusting. I can't stand it. He says he'd like me to gain weight, like to a healthy BMI of 20. God i wanna make him happy but i don't wanna get that fat. At least i have the comforting fact that i can lose all this weight when i finally get home. Which will be on the 30th.
I'm going to go brush my sore teeth, now, & get ready for bed.
& you know what, i hate becca's boyfriend. He is such a complete asshole towards her. She deserves much better. I told her that but she said she doesn't care, she still wants him even though he's an asshole. Ugh. I mean sure, he has issues of his own, but ugh, he is so like NOT a ray of sunshine. He just makes my best friend feel like shit all the time. I want to punch him... & i want karl to text me back. He hasn't since maybe 4:30 today? I dunno. He probably had to work or something, or fell asleep. He's always saying how tired he is...
Amber said she got my letter today, & she'll send me one here at melanie's. I said okay...
I told becca i'd give her melanie's address so she could send me my super late birthday card over here. But i don't know melanie's address & i'd feel weird asking her for it. She might not want me to give it to becca cuz she doesn't know her or whatever. Oh, well.
Ugh. Why can't he just text me back... I miss talking to karl. When we first started texting he was like, always there. I wonder what changed. Whatever. I'm so sick of feeling so fat. But i do. I can't help it. I hate when my legs touch. It feels disgusting. I can't stand it. He says he'd like me to gain weight, like to a healthy BMI of 20. God i wanna make him happy but i don't wanna get that fat. At least i have the comforting fact that i can lose all this weight when i finally get home. Which will be on the 30th.
I'm going to go brush my sore teeth, now, & get ready for bed.
Taken From Tuesday, July 5th, 2011
Today was okay-ish. In the morning we went out to meet melanie's friend jennifer for lunch. I had a grilled cheese sandwich, chips, & a chocolate chip cookie. I never fail to eat like a fattie... I just never get full. So then after that, we took melanie's boyfriend nelson to his doctor's appointment; i read a good chunk of my book in the waiting room. Afterwards, we went grocery shopping, came home & went back out to see X Men 1st Class. 1st time for her, 2nd time for me. [A great movie for the record though.] i Ate so much twizzlers & gummies during the movie. I felt horrible after it, so i went to the bathroom & attempted to throw it up. [Note that i say ATTEMPT.] i think the girl in the stall beside me was mortified. I saw her flipflopped feet just standing there.
So after that we went back to the house & had dinner. I got caught up online & stuff. Amber got my letter today she told me. Hmmm...
I don't have much else to say, really. I jst feel so fat from all this food. & i can feel myself getting bigger everyday. When i sit down now, i sit so that my legs are wide apart, like a boy, cuz i don't want my thighs to touch. Ugh. I just hate my body.
Tbh [Idk what that stands for but i find it appropriate to use in this sentence, ha.] Karl hasn't texted me all day. I miss him. Last night i texted him 'i love you' before i fell asleep & he replied with i love you too. <3 it made me feel...good. Like warm & fuzzy inside. Hehe. Ugh i just miss talking to him right now, you know?
My retainers are cutting into my gums. Sucks. Plus it's probably after one AM, now, so I'm going to bed.
So after that we went back to the house & had dinner. I got caught up online & stuff. Amber got my letter today she told me. Hmmm...
I don't have much else to say, really. I jst feel so fat from all this food. & i can feel myself getting bigger everyday. When i sit down now, i sit so that my legs are wide apart, like a boy, cuz i don't want my thighs to touch. Ugh. I just hate my body.
Tbh [Idk what that stands for but i find it appropriate to use in this sentence, ha.] Karl hasn't texted me all day. I miss him. Last night i texted him 'i love you' before i fell asleep & he replied with i love you too. <3 it made me feel...good. Like warm & fuzzy inside. Hehe. Ugh i just miss talking to him right now, you know?
My retainers are cutting into my gums. Sucks. Plus it's probably after one AM, now, so I'm going to bed.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Taken From Monday, July 4, 2011
Today i am heading to indiana with melanie; i will be spending the rest of this month with her. We are waiting in the airport now, waiting to board the flight to indianapolis. I've just eaten some candy & i feel so fat, haha. Food is just Too good, though.
I'm going to miss my kitty, hermy. :( i was already away from her for ten days due to our vacation to London & Paris. Now i won't see her for 26 days! Poor lonely kitty. :(
So, will probably land in indie around five, & get to melanie's house around six. Hate to say it, but i can't wait for dinner...& of course to talk to my best friend becca & my boyfriend karl. [Through texting of course, hehe, can't talk obviously.] ugh, i hate waiting. I am the most impatient person.
So, i figured, since i'm officially starting to keep another journal [private to the utmost degree), i should provide my 'background'.
I'll start in middle school, I Had always been a very quiet girl. So i never talked much or had many friends. In sixth grade i grew apart from my only friends, shyla & desa. We didn't have many classes together & we stopped talking. They made plenty of new friends & i didn't move on very easilly but i was always used to having losing friends from the previous school year. I remember having fun SOME times in sixth grade. What i mostly focused om was my schoolwork & keeping my grades up. I was a very good, obedient hardworking student.
In seventh grade, i did the same, but something changed that year. I noticed more & more that i wanted nothing more than to fit in with everyone else & dress the same as the other girls. I hated how my jeans were always too baggy for my skinny legs, & how my clothes always made me feel awkward & out of place around everyone else dressed in Hollister & plaid. I wanted Rainbow's flipflops like all the other girls & skinny jeans that would fit me & be long enough. I also started getting teased a little bit by a handfull of people. It was sexual harrassment & made me feel so embarressed & angry & scared to go to certain classes. Eventually i ended up cussing out the guy & hitting him in the head with a book. Then it stopped, mostly. I remember in my art class i thought i was friends with the girls at my table, but then i couldn't get over how they always ignored me. Everyone did, to be exact, because i was quiet. Ever since elementary school. Seventh grade was also the year though when i started really getting into the internet, listening to music, playing fashion games online. I wanted to fit in with the 'preppy' crowd. But i remember the day in my art class when i renounced that. I got angry with myself bc of my social awkwardness, & angry with everyone else for ignoring me, & i painted a black X on my hand. I listened to roco bands instead of the cute pop music i had thought i liked. I found i could relate to the lyrics of Three Days Grace & Puddle of Mudd. Then i lost interest in the preppy look that everyone wore. I had read online about 'emo' & 'goth', & i wanted to be like that all of a sudden. I think i just wanted to be different & stand out as my own person. At the end of the sevemth grade i considered myself to be a new rocker chick. After school was out, i continued to discover new music i found myself to like, such as avenged sevenfold, seether, & eventually screamo/metal like atreyu & slipknot. I entered 8th grade as a bit more self-confident, emo looking girl, wearing skinny jeans that fit, & a lot of black. I loved coming home after school to get online & talk to people like me, & listen to my music. The beginning of eighth grade was fine, but i became lonely again.
My cousins amber & julian were living with my uncle down the road, & we would go with my sister to high school football games. I really liked being with them but i still had pangs of lonliness come up because i still felt as if evryone was ignoring me &i was still too shy to really talk to anyone. I was relying on my music & online friends more & more. Occasionally i came across stories of people who cut themselves; that was how i first heard of it. I don't exactly remember how i ever considered doing it, but i do remember finding a razorblade laying Round in the kitchen one night so i took it & hid it in my purse. The next day After school oj the bus ride home, i didn't want amber, julian, joey, & david to get off because i was being my depressed, melodramatic, lonely preteen self, so after they got off at their stop, i took the blade out & cut the back of my hand twice. It made my emotions go away as the cuts distracted me. When i got off the bus my mom was waiting in the car to take me to my sister's cross country meet. I was upset that i had to go but when i got in the backseat i saw my bleeding hand & licked up the blood. Instantly i felt better. I was happy that i cut because the blood satisfied me & showed me that something good came from pain. Then i started skipping lunch at school to cut my wrist in the bathroom. Just small scratches, never deep. Only once i had trouble stopping the bleeding. It always made me feel better. I felt like i deserved to hurt because nobody cared about me, no one at school anyway, & my cousins as well. I don't remsmber how often i would cut because it hadn't gotten very important to me, YET.
Also, there was this guy i had a crush on; i mean come on, even though he was a jerk, he was hot [& still is]. He didn't come to school a lot, so i made a deal with myself at one point that i would cut myself once for every day he wasn't there. So things went like that. Then my cousins had a bonfire party on halloween night. It was a costume party too. I put on a black cloak, dark red lipstick, & some eyeshadow, too. So here's how i felt at the bonfire: awkward, shy ugly, lonely, sad, angry, & depressed. Here's why: 1. Amber had always told me that david liked me & even though i didn't like him, it hurt my feelings what he said. At the bonfire his costume was of A clown. Since i'm afraid of terrifying clowns, i said,'ew, i hate clowns.' he took it the wrong way cuz he said then,'well i hate girls in robes.'
2. Amber, julian, joey, & david all had friends/girlfriends there to talk to so i felt as if i wasn't even there. I was jealous of joey's gf cuz i liked him but it was like i was invisible.
3. At one point i became very angry. So when i saw an ax sticking in a log i thought i'd try to cut up the log with it & imagine i was chopping up joey & his gf. But i was too weak to cut the wood so i got even more embarressed.
4. I kept going in the house & walking around everywhere to avoid everyome. I wanted to jump in the bonfire & die.
5. At the end, i layed in the grass, shivering feeling sorry for my freezing, lonely self.
When i got home, i was relieved to get on the internet & listen to slipknot. I talked to some boy about how i felt& whatever he said [i don't remember] made me feel better. Then that night, emily got me caught 'talking to strangers online' & listening to 'bad' music. The next day my account's password got changed by her so i couldn't get on. I was devastated. Getting online was the only thing i had. & i needed my music. All of my eighth grade was awful after that. I spiraled into depression & continued to cut even after emily read my diary & told my mom i was cutting. I did it on my shoulder where no one would see. I considered suicide.
Now, onto summer after 8th grade. Amber, julian, joey, & david left with their mom after july 4th, '08. I felt abandoned. Then when school started back my friends from 8th grade ignored me. 9th grade sucked. BUT. Around september i got my dad to log on the computer so i could 'do schoolwork'. I changed my password back so i could sneak online in the mornings before school, & late at night. I got back on the same website & made new friends, listened to new music. I began to get a connection with this girl. She called herself helena. We became best friends. I started cutting again just because i enjoyed it. Helena & i talked ALOT. We texted & chatted online. We shared our favorite music, & cutting stories. She was psychotically depressed, though,-i talked her out of commiting suicide many times. She cut deep enough to pass out. We stayed up all night talking all the time until we'd fall asleep on our keyboards. I would get depressed sometimes, but helena always made me feel better. Things were okay until...
HER mom found out about her chatting online with 'strangers', took her laptop, & phone, & i was alone, again. I had felt so close to helena, but only to lose her in a nasty voicemail from her mother. I was so depressed at school, at home, everywhere. I missed texting her. I started getting addicted to cutting; i had to do it everyday to make me numb. I slept through my classes, cut in the bathroom, carved into my leg, 'I MISS YOU'. i was out of my mind with depression & lonliness & i was suicidal. I tried to cut to death during school one day. I sliced up my arms all thr way up to my elbows. But i didn't so much as pass out. When school ended, i guess i was finally mellowed up enough to feel okay. Then i saw that helena had left me a message saying it was the last time she would ever talk to me. I was shocked bc i had convinced myself that she had died. Then i thought, 'if i had died it would have been for nothing cuz she's still alive'. I had a panic attack & cried a long time. Decided i would attempt suicide again to make the pain stop. So the next day i swallowed 50 aspirin. I told all my online friends [including becca,My best friend] who told me to call 911. I was too scared to; i logged off & went to lay in bed, waiting to die. But the longer i stayed there with my pulse quickening & my ears clogged, panting, starting to sweat, i was too scared to let myself die. & i thought about how much i loved my recent friends then, thinking of how i'd miss them, so i told my dad i OD'ed & went to the ER. 3 days in there & a week in the psych ward, then i came home. Prescribed 100 milligrams of zoloft a day, & i was in a more positive mood. Until i got caught AGAIN online & they deleted my account. I couldn't talk to becca anymore & my mood plummeted. I started using more pencil sharpener blades to cut with. After a while i got my phone back & could talk to her again, but i was too addicted to cutting to stop, then. I also began hoarding my zoloft & taking 3 a day [leading to dissociation] & i began burning myself with a hair straightener. Got my phone restrictions blocking becca's number then i felt even worse. I kept cutting even though my family found out about it everyday. It got so bad that i 1. Required to get proscribed to prozac & 2. Tried to cut to death again. Once again i got sent back to the behavioral health center, now for 9-10 days. I got back home, not wanting to be there. I'd rather be at the BHC; i know it's selfish but it's the truth. & even though my mom finally let me talk to becca again, & the friends i had made in the hospital, i was still depressed. [btw, at BHC got prescribed seroquel to go along with the prozac.] i cut a little bit, too, tried a 4th time to kill myself [through drinking rubbing alcohol]. i also developed anorexia. I've always been skinny, but i just feel pressured to stay skinny. I'm afraid of gaining weight. & now, my anorexia has completely replaced my cutting addiction. I go on week long fasts, & spend the next week bingeing & gaining back the weight i lost. I hate it but i feel as if i can't control it. So here we are at the now, current day. I've been bingeing starting yesterday. I feel horrible & fat. But there's good news too.
I have an ipod touch i got on my bday so i can once again get online to talk to & meet new friends. I have a boyfriend i met online a year ago, me & becca have been bestfriends for almost 3 years now. Right now i am on the plane heading to indiana & my hand hurts from all this writing. So i am stopping now after one last thing: amber & i are in touch again. We talk on facebook & through letters. I love her, still miss her, too, though.
Oh, & i should add the reason we got in touch...
I sent her a long message on facebook that i thought she wouldn't even read, i was just venting...about my eating disorder, cutting, & considering killing myself again. & she replied; we've beeen talking ever since. Plus she told melanie who told my mom about my stash of pills & my razor. & then i had to give her all of them. Ugh. BUT, luckilly, i have one razor left. I taped it behind a poster in my room. No one will ever find it, & if i ever need to cut, i'll have something to do it with.
Now we are in the car, going to melanie's house. Can't wait to get there so i can eat some more...
I'm going to miss my kitty, hermy. :( i was already away from her for ten days due to our vacation to London & Paris. Now i won't see her for 26 days! Poor lonely kitty. :(
So, will probably land in indie around five, & get to melanie's house around six. Hate to say it, but i can't wait for dinner...& of course to talk to my best friend becca & my boyfriend karl. [Through texting of course, hehe, can't talk obviously.] ugh, i hate waiting. I am the most impatient person.
So, i figured, since i'm officially starting to keep another journal [private to the utmost degree), i should provide my 'background'.
I'll start in middle school, I Had always been a very quiet girl. So i never talked much or had many friends. In sixth grade i grew apart from my only friends, shyla & desa. We didn't have many classes together & we stopped talking. They made plenty of new friends & i didn't move on very easilly but i was always used to having losing friends from the previous school year. I remember having fun SOME times in sixth grade. What i mostly focused om was my schoolwork & keeping my grades up. I was a very good, obedient hardworking student.
In seventh grade, i did the same, but something changed that year. I noticed more & more that i wanted nothing more than to fit in with everyone else & dress the same as the other girls. I hated how my jeans were always too baggy for my skinny legs, & how my clothes always made me feel awkward & out of place around everyone else dressed in Hollister & plaid. I wanted Rainbow's flipflops like all the other girls & skinny jeans that would fit me & be long enough. I also started getting teased a little bit by a handfull of people. It was sexual harrassment & made me feel so embarressed & angry & scared to go to certain classes. Eventually i ended up cussing out the guy & hitting him in the head with a book. Then it stopped, mostly. I remember in my art class i thought i was friends with the girls at my table, but then i couldn't get over how they always ignored me. Everyone did, to be exact, because i was quiet. Ever since elementary school. Seventh grade was also the year though when i started really getting into the internet, listening to music, playing fashion games online. I wanted to fit in with the 'preppy' crowd. But i remember the day in my art class when i renounced that. I got angry with myself bc of my social awkwardness, & angry with everyone else for ignoring me, & i painted a black X on my hand. I listened to roco bands instead of the cute pop music i had thought i liked. I found i could relate to the lyrics of Three Days Grace & Puddle of Mudd. Then i lost interest in the preppy look that everyone wore. I had read online about 'emo' & 'goth', & i wanted to be like that all of a sudden. I think i just wanted to be different & stand out as my own person. At the end of the sevemth grade i considered myself to be a new rocker chick. After school was out, i continued to discover new music i found myself to like, such as avenged sevenfold, seether, & eventually screamo/metal like atreyu & slipknot. I entered 8th grade as a bit more self-confident, emo looking girl, wearing skinny jeans that fit, & a lot of black. I loved coming home after school to get online & talk to people like me, & listen to my music. The beginning of eighth grade was fine, but i became lonely again.
My cousins amber & julian were living with my uncle down the road, & we would go with my sister to high school football games. I really liked being with them but i still had pangs of lonliness come up because i still felt as if evryone was ignoring me &i was still too shy to really talk to anyone. I was relying on my music & online friends more & more. Occasionally i came across stories of people who cut themselves; that was how i first heard of it. I don't exactly remember how i ever considered doing it, but i do remember finding a razorblade laying Round in the kitchen one night so i took it & hid it in my purse. The next day After school oj the bus ride home, i didn't want amber, julian, joey, & david to get off because i was being my depressed, melodramatic, lonely preteen self, so after they got off at their stop, i took the blade out & cut the back of my hand twice. It made my emotions go away as the cuts distracted me. When i got off the bus my mom was waiting in the car to take me to my sister's cross country meet. I was upset that i had to go but when i got in the backseat i saw my bleeding hand & licked up the blood. Instantly i felt better. I was happy that i cut because the blood satisfied me & showed me that something good came from pain. Then i started skipping lunch at school to cut my wrist in the bathroom. Just small scratches, never deep. Only once i had trouble stopping the bleeding. It always made me feel better. I felt like i deserved to hurt because nobody cared about me, no one at school anyway, & my cousins as well. I don't remsmber how often i would cut because it hadn't gotten very important to me, YET.
Also, there was this guy i had a crush on; i mean come on, even though he was a jerk, he was hot [& still is]. He didn't come to school a lot, so i made a deal with myself at one point that i would cut myself once for every day he wasn't there. So things went like that. Then my cousins had a bonfire party on halloween night. It was a costume party too. I put on a black cloak, dark red lipstick, & some eyeshadow, too. So here's how i felt at the bonfire: awkward, shy ugly, lonely, sad, angry, & depressed. Here's why: 1. Amber had always told me that david liked me & even though i didn't like him, it hurt my feelings what he said. At the bonfire his costume was of A clown. Since i'm afraid of terrifying clowns, i said,'ew, i hate clowns.' he took it the wrong way cuz he said then,'well i hate girls in robes.'
2. Amber, julian, joey, & david all had friends/girlfriends there to talk to so i felt as if i wasn't even there. I was jealous of joey's gf cuz i liked him but it was like i was invisible.
3. At one point i became very angry. So when i saw an ax sticking in a log i thought i'd try to cut up the log with it & imagine i was chopping up joey & his gf. But i was too weak to cut the wood so i got even more embarressed.
4. I kept going in the house & walking around everywhere to avoid everyome. I wanted to jump in the bonfire & die.
5. At the end, i layed in the grass, shivering feeling sorry for my freezing, lonely self.
When i got home, i was relieved to get on the internet & listen to slipknot. I talked to some boy about how i felt& whatever he said [i don't remember] made me feel better. Then that night, emily got me caught 'talking to strangers online' & listening to 'bad' music. The next day my account's password got changed by her so i couldn't get on. I was devastated. Getting online was the only thing i had. & i needed my music. All of my eighth grade was awful after that. I spiraled into depression & continued to cut even after emily read my diary & told my mom i was cutting. I did it on my shoulder where no one would see. I considered suicide.
Now, onto summer after 8th grade. Amber, julian, joey, & david left with their mom after july 4th, '08. I felt abandoned. Then when school started back my friends from 8th grade ignored me. 9th grade sucked. BUT. Around september i got my dad to log on the computer so i could 'do schoolwork'. I changed my password back so i could sneak online in the mornings before school, & late at night. I got back on the same website & made new friends, listened to new music. I began to get a connection with this girl. She called herself helena. We became best friends. I started cutting again just because i enjoyed it. Helena & i talked ALOT. We texted & chatted online. We shared our favorite music, & cutting stories. She was psychotically depressed, though,-i talked her out of commiting suicide many times. She cut deep enough to pass out. We stayed up all night talking all the time until we'd fall asleep on our keyboards. I would get depressed sometimes, but helena always made me feel better. Things were okay until...
HER mom found out about her chatting online with 'strangers', took her laptop, & phone, & i was alone, again. I had felt so close to helena, but only to lose her in a nasty voicemail from her mother. I was so depressed at school, at home, everywhere. I missed texting her. I started getting addicted to cutting; i had to do it everyday to make me numb. I slept through my classes, cut in the bathroom, carved into my leg, 'I MISS YOU'. i was out of my mind with depression & lonliness & i was suicidal. I tried to cut to death during school one day. I sliced up my arms all thr way up to my elbows. But i didn't so much as pass out. When school ended, i guess i was finally mellowed up enough to feel okay. Then i saw that helena had left me a message saying it was the last time she would ever talk to me. I was shocked bc i had convinced myself that she had died. Then i thought, 'if i had died it would have been for nothing cuz she's still alive'. I had a panic attack & cried a long time. Decided i would attempt suicide again to make the pain stop. So the next day i swallowed 50 aspirin. I told all my online friends [including becca,My best friend] who told me to call 911. I was too scared to; i logged off & went to lay in bed, waiting to die. But the longer i stayed there with my pulse quickening & my ears clogged, panting, starting to sweat, i was too scared to let myself die. & i thought about how much i loved my recent friends then, thinking of how i'd miss them, so i told my dad i OD'ed & went to the ER. 3 days in there & a week in the psych ward, then i came home. Prescribed 100 milligrams of zoloft a day, & i was in a more positive mood. Until i got caught AGAIN online & they deleted my account. I couldn't talk to becca anymore & my mood plummeted. I started using more pencil sharpener blades to cut with. After a while i got my phone back & could talk to her again, but i was too addicted to cutting to stop, then. I also began hoarding my zoloft & taking 3 a day [leading to dissociation] & i began burning myself with a hair straightener. Got my phone restrictions blocking becca's number then i felt even worse. I kept cutting even though my family found out about it everyday. It got so bad that i 1. Required to get proscribed to prozac & 2. Tried to cut to death again. Once again i got sent back to the behavioral health center, now for 9-10 days. I got back home, not wanting to be there. I'd rather be at the BHC; i know it's selfish but it's the truth. & even though my mom finally let me talk to becca again, & the friends i had made in the hospital, i was still depressed. [btw, at BHC got prescribed seroquel to go along with the prozac.] i cut a little bit, too, tried a 4th time to kill myself [through drinking rubbing alcohol]. i also developed anorexia. I've always been skinny, but i just feel pressured to stay skinny. I'm afraid of gaining weight. & now, my anorexia has completely replaced my cutting addiction. I go on week long fasts, & spend the next week bingeing & gaining back the weight i lost. I hate it but i feel as if i can't control it. So here we are at the now, current day. I've been bingeing starting yesterday. I feel horrible & fat. But there's good news too.
I have an ipod touch i got on my bday so i can once again get online to talk to & meet new friends. I have a boyfriend i met online a year ago, me & becca have been bestfriends for almost 3 years now. Right now i am on the plane heading to indiana & my hand hurts from all this writing. So i am stopping now after one last thing: amber & i are in touch again. We talk on facebook & through letters. I love her, still miss her, too, though.
Oh, & i should add the reason we got in touch...
I sent her a long message on facebook that i thought she wouldn't even read, i was just venting...about my eating disorder, cutting, & considering killing myself again. & she replied; we've beeen talking ever since. Plus she told melanie who told my mom about my stash of pills & my razor. & then i had to give her all of them. Ugh. BUT, luckilly, i have one razor left. I taped it behind a poster in my room. No one will ever find it, & if i ever need to cut, i'll have something to do it with.
Now we are in the car, going to melanie's house. Can't wait to get there so i can eat some more...
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