Just trudging along..

This weekend was great; I spent it with my girlfriend. She makes me feel so happy and loved. It seems as if I have everything going for me, now. I have an outstanding family, a loving girlfriend, and I'm in a community college...
I have goals that I want to achieve. I want to start driving. I want to get certified so I can work with adolescents in the behavioral health hospital. I want to become independent and responsible. I want to spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend.
I'm not sure however if I want to recover from my eating disorder.
That doesn't mean I'm saying, "Oh, let's stop eating again!" or "Oh, let's start purging everything!"
No, I can't do that, because it would keep me from my goals. Everyone knows what happens when you relapse.
I have to stay healthy if I want to move on with my life.
Especially if I want to move out of this fucking house! If I, or my sister, doesn't move out sometime soon I am going to go crazy.
I'm so sick of all her shit. I admit, a lot of it is my fault because of my past actions. I know a lot of what I did came off as self centered and attention seeking. But that doesn't mean all those times I self harmed and attempted suicide meant I wanted to get attention and put my family through hell.
Hell, it is so obvious I didn't even CARE back then! I didn't give a shit how I affected those around me, and I didn't give a shit what people thought. I just wanted to stop hurting, and I did what I thought I had to do to achieve that. Meaning yes, I did put myself in the hospital to escape the real world. I know I was immature and not ready to deal with real life, so I tried to get away every time I felt things got too much and built up. I just let EVERYTHING fucking build up until I found myself cutting, poisoning myself, or overdosing.
Still, it pisses me off when people get the wrong impression, thinking that I only did all of that because I wanted the spot light on me. That was the absolute last thing I wanted. I constantly wanted to disappear because I was so embarrassed and ashamed by myself.
And I still am! I hate what I've made myself become over the past five years. I hate how people view me as, now.
Okay, I'll admit, I mostly mean "people" as in my sister. I know exactly how she feels about me, now. And it fucking hurts. I know I don't deserve to be loved because I've been such an ass hole my whole life. But no matter what you've done, you don't want to be HATED. No one wants that.
Not even when I told myself over and over that I wished my family hated me. I only said that (and still do) because then it would be so much easier to kill myself without feeling so much guilt.
But no, I don't want to be hated. I am human and I want to be loved. I have my weak moments where I just want to be assured that I am a good person and that I am worth loving.
It's time to get over her, though. Truthfully, she is the one and ONLY toxic person in my life. Therefor, meaning, she doesn't matter at all. I know everything she says about me is false. The rest of my entire family loves me unconditionally and never talks shit to me. I know that they care about me and my well being. They want me to recover, not only from my eating disorder, but from my self harm, depression, and anxiety. They only want the best for me.
I want to get better for everyone who loves me. I don't want to hurt them anymore.
I should be recovering for myself; I should love MYSELF but I don't. I don't see why I should. When I see myself in the mirror I want to cry because my arms look like logs. My stomach pokes out like I'm pregnant. My thighs and butt are huge. Everyone says I'm still skinny. But I'm not. Not compared to how I looked when I was "sick." I want my old body back.
But, obviously, I don't hate myself only for my BODY. That is just my cop-out.
I guess the real reason I hate myself is because I am so socially awkward and have a hard time dealing with things. I snap at the people I love and take them for granted. I get irritated too easily. I treat everyone like shit, putting my own wants before others'. I act so selfish sometimes. Yet I keep making the same mistakes over and over.
I am afraid that everyone will leave me and stop loving me because of how I act. I don't understand why ANYONE puts up with me. I can't stand myself, and never have.
I just want to be able to act normal. I don't want to be afraid that anything I do makes me look "stupid." I don't want to make my loved ones feel like I don't care about them. I don't want to fail my classes. I don't want to get depressed again and want to die. I don't want to get back to that low point where I cut and purge on a daily basis. I don't want to hurt anyone, anymore. I don't want to stop caring about everything like I did in the past.
I GUESS I want to be successful...yet I'm not ready to give up my crutch of mental disorders. It scares me on a daily basis when I become aware of how long I have gone without relapsing or trying to kill myself (even the half-assed attempts). The more time that passes from my old life and self makes me feel panicked. I'm not ready to let go. For so long I found my identity as the skinny girl who was addicted to self-harming. Now, I don't know who I really am. I act different depending on who I'm with. My mood changes often; one moment I feel hopeful and happy, another moment the suicidal thoughts are back. I can go from loving someone to becoming so angry I want to hurt them or run away. I can feel motivated, like I can do anything I set my mind on, then so hopeless and incapable. At the end of the day, I still wonder if I'm better off dead.
And no matter how good a day can go, no matter who I've spent it with, this never changes. I'm tired of it. I don't know how to make the thoughts go away.
Well, that's enough rambling for one night.
Hopefully I will remember (and feel like) writing here daily and keep my thoughts in order. Typing this has actually felt almost freeing; I got out some stuff that I had a hard time putting words to.
Anyway, that's enough. Goodbye for now. :)

Poem.

What you see before you is only a lie
We put on our smiles to hide our pain
We take medication to reduce the strain
And then we wear bandages to hide the stains

Don't ever trust
You'll only be taken on a long ride
Led by those who take you inside
And refuse to let you hide

Why is this life so full of lies?
How could bleeding make you feel so real?
And starving cause your wounds to heal?
Surely these lifelines you must conceal

...We go to the mad house to get fixed
But don't they know we want no bandages? No coping skills-no smart answers-no logical reasoning. No healing-no recovery-no life!
Take a look and see
That all you find before you
Is nothing but lies, lies lies...

Update.

I'm not going to be admitted till next week, most likely, because admission days are from Monday through Thursday, & I have to have a physical still to get in. My physical appointment isn't til this Thursday. Sucks.
Lately I've been feeling more shaky, more exhausted, unfocused, & I believe my hair is beginning to come out easier. So to sum it all up I have another week of feeling like utter shit before I can leave & go get help. Good news is that I didn't purge today at least. :)
Course, I did fast instead. Today was no good. Really depressed & suicidal. Once again...Idk what the hell to do.

Yeah

I'm going. Woo...

So.

I've decided to bring it up with my therapist (next time I see her) about going back to the ED clinic...:/ I feel like I shouldn't, but all my friends suggest I do because I need to get help. I'm pretty sick, lol. & Doing some damage to my throat with all this purging. I can tell just by how much my throat hurts.
I'm just really apprehensive about the day when my next therapy session comes...like Idk if I really will tell her. But I want to. Hopefully I'll have the guts to spit it the fuck out. xD

Okay!

Time for a real blog post after a loong time...
I have lost 20 pounds. Maybe more now, I think, but I can't find out since my mom hid the scale. But I'm lying through my teeth every day when anyone asks me if I ate my lunch at school or if I threw up. Still though, every day when I get home, I binge. I can't stop fucking binging! I'm just so fucking hungry and bored all the time, then when I'm finished eating, I feel like I've gained all 20 pounds back, and my thighs just look so HUGE.
I fucking hate this eating disorder. There's no way out. I don't want to quit. Either that or I just can't. Unless I go back to the clinic. But I CAN'T. I HAVE to stay in school this year; it's my senior year & I have to take the SAT & drivers ed... I can't miss another school year stuck in hospitals if I want to go to college next fall. But what's more important? My health, or my education and future career? I choose the second option. Though part of me feels like I know it's wrong. I don't know, I don't FUCKING KNOW what is more important, what I should do. But the only way I'm going back to the clinic is if I get so sick they just force me to go back. Luckily, though, I'm not sick...yet at least. I feel fine. Which is just strange, considering how underweight I am. 30 pounds.
& I wish I could stop just fucking focusing on all this shit. There IS more to life than my weight and how I look. So then why do I just keep ignoring that? I don't know, it's just easier, I guess. Can't leave my comfort zone. FUCK ME.
If there's one thing I've finally gotten through my thick skull though, is that the only people you can ever count on in your life is your family. Lately I've come to see that, and realized how lucky and special I am to have such a large, close-knit family that loves me unconditionally. I hope I will never hurt them again with another suicide attempt...Yesterday I attended the funeral of one of my distant uncles who killed himself. He has left behind a loving mother and 2 sons, my cousins. My aunt, I don't know how she's going to make it through this. I am sincerely worried about her.
I just can't fathom that this could have been me instead of him that died, 6 times, when I attempted. I don't know how my family would have reacted, really. It causes so much pain. I cried so much at the funeral I almost threw up, and afterward I pretty much passed out from emotional exhaustion. Suicide and depression are truly the most evil things in the world today, causing people so much misery and grief, when they can't fathom how much a loved one really thinks they're so worthless, that the world doesn't need them. Cuz they are wrong. You are needed, important, loved, beautiful, you are worth so much and don't let Depression tell you otherwise; it is pure Poison, like a demon. Fight it as hard as you can and NEVER give up. I feel as if I am in such a better place now considering my depression than I have ever been. You just have to keep going on no matter how hard it is. Yes, even if the only thing keeping you alive are mental hospitals....

You stoopid motha fucka

I <3 music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_HBIZCyBf0   xD